I’m not pregnant, I’m just fat

Newsflash! I don’t have a flat stomach!

This does not—and it bears repeating—this does not mean I am pregnant. It means I don’t have a flat stomach. Like most women.

(And even if I were pregnant, that’s none of your fracking business. Because you’re a complete stranger or someone I met three times, briefly, and haven’t seen in five years. And it’s not to cool to harass pregnant women in the first place. And yes, asking a complete stranger if you can touch her is harassment.)

Seriously. Don’t be an asshole. Don’t ask me, or anyone else, if we’re pregnant. Because it’s none of your business, and it’s RUDE. If I want you to know, I’ll, oh, I don’t know, tell you?

But I don’t want you to know. Because you aren’t a part of my life. So whether or not I am about to have a child is completely irrelevant to you. Why are you even asking?

Obviously this happened to me recently. I knew it was inevitable, but I hadn’t thought up a good response. I was at work when this woman I know tangentially from a job I had five years ago asked if I was “expecting,” so I just said “No, I’m not.”

The next time this happens—because there will be a next time, because people seem to think they can comment on women’s bodies with impunity—I will respond in one of several ways, depending on the phrasing.

If someone asks, “Are you pregnant?” I will take the advice in either this article at Mommyish or this article at Kveller and say either:

“No, I’m just fat.”

—or—

“Oh, I was going to ask you the same question!” (Even if it’s a man. Especially if it’s a man.)

If someone asks “Are you expecting?” I will say something snarky like:

“Oh, I expect lots of things. I’m usually disappointed.”

Have you ever been asked if you were pregnant when you weren’t? How do you respond?

What do you think?